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Q. How did you first get involved in Shidduchim?
A. I am a clinical psychologist, Shaliach in Romainville (France) for 25 years and official shadchan for 14 years.
Since I was young, I have always been involved with Shidduchim. In 1977, my mother Mrs Rachel Benchetrit -of blessed memory- created "The Friendly Encounters", a non-profit meeting association for singles in France. Her goal: Fighting against mixed marriages in order to promote marriage within the Jewish community. She was the first.
About 300 marriages were celebrated and a lot of people were discouraged from marrying a non-Jew !
After her passing in 2003, it was decided that a non-profit association conveying her spiritual legacy should be founded in her merit :Â "Keren Rachel" was born - www.kerenrachel.org.
Since 2003, more than 5600 singles registered from France and from all over the world, and hundreds of shiduchim were accomplished Boruch Hashem.
I am helped by a unique software especially developed for the Keren Rachel.
Q. What Shidduchim do you focus on?
A. Because my essential goal in Shiduchim is to fight against mixed marriages, I am not specialized in any kind of people or criteria like age, type of religiousness, level of secular studies, etc.
As long as the single is Jewish, wherever he or she lives in the world, I will try my best to find them their Bashert with Hashem's help like any Shadchan.
I am not selective also because despite all the inquiries and hard work necessary in finding a suitable match, even if Hashem decides that the Shidduch is not successful, Shadchanim give hope and I don’t allow myself to miss any chance to give such hope !
This opening brings more opportunities.
Rabbi Moshe Raichman had an amazing idea to found Chabadmatch and I personally thank him here for accepting me as one of the Shadchanim. Regardless of the Shidduch crisis in the Chabad community (and everywhere), his website is a real Brocha.
By way of illustration, here is a testimony of a French man, late 40's, Shomer Shabbos, living in Paris:
"Mrs Guez, I wanted to tell you the usefulness of your association and the number of marriages that you have done is surely generating a huge mitzvah. But in my eyes, the essential is not only there. Indeed, when someone is single, he passes through many moments of blues, sometimes very very heavy. And in these moments, he loses all reference, and especially all hope. When I went through these moments, I thought of you, and said "Madame Guez will find me a solution!". You can't imagine the benefit of a possible exit door, when you have no more solution. You represent this solution, which means that we are not completely at a dead end. The worst for an individual is when he finds himself in a situation of 'no future'. This hope that you bring is priceless. That is why I wanted to thank you, because you support the whole community, not just by marriage, but by the hope you arouse, it is enormous, because you are reaching thousands of people."
Boruch Hashem this French man got married a few months later with an American woman, Chabad, registered on Chabadmatch, coming from Australia and living in Israël. Today, they are parents of a beautiful boy and a beautiful girl.
When it's time to turn off the computer, I say to myself : "Make one more Shidduch, try, just one more! Even if the Shidduch is not successful at the end, Atarah! Give hope!"
Q. What suggestions do you have for Shidduchim in the Parsha?
A. I don't feel comfortable giving suggestions, as I know experienced shadchanim will read me.Â
Finding one's half is a process. For some people, the process happens quickly, whereas for others it takes longer.
But please, listen singles! Be aware that every step, every Shidduch or every name mentioned, brings you closer to your Bashert!
When a Shadchan or someone makes a proposal, please give all your consideration to it, look at the positive points.
Appreciate the Shadchan's investigation : It can take minutes, hours, days, sometimes even years, just to give you a name, just a name!! Each proposal has a purpose: nothing is for nothing.
Here is a known example: In the late 1940s, a Bochur was having great difficulties finding a Shidduch. It happened five or six times in a few months that Rabbi Yosef Yitzak Schneerson had rejected all the proposals. The Bochur assumed that he was not destined to marry and that he had to spend his life sitting and studying Torah. After a while, the Rebbe himself asked him if he had any more proposals. The Bochur told him that he thought he was not made to marry since the Rebbe refused every offer. The Rebbe then replied with a story:
The Rebbe of Berditchev had a son named Reb Meir who died while he was young, leaving behind several young children. When the time came to marry the oldest, the Rebbe of Berditchev asked all the Shadchanim to make him proposals announcing that he would reward each proposal. The offers flooded in and the Rebbe of Berdichev refused them all, but paid as agreed for each name proposed, Â to the point that the Shadchanim decided to stop making proposals not to waste his money.
When the Rebbe of Berditchev noticed that no name was offered to him, he told them: "There are many Shadchanim in the sky and everyone proposes his idea: Gittel is perhaps good for him, no, I think Shprintza or Baila... until Hashem decides... It is for this reason that we have to go through all the ideas proposed until we reach our Mazal. When a Shidduch ready to be made isn’t organized, it is because there were two controversies in the sky where Hashem came to a conclusion at the last minute. Whenever the Rebbe of Berditchev refused a Shidduch, he knew that his grandson was getting closer to his Bashert, and he paid for every step."
Obviously, the young man asked again the Frierdiker Rebbe for new proposals. A few weeks later, the name of his 'Mazal' was offered to him, and when he asked for advice, the Rebbe said it was a good idea. The young man got married and today has many children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, Boruch Hashem."
To the singles, I suggest more than ever to follow the Rebbe's advice that relates to the Torah’s teaching : "When it is time to marry, girls and boys should set two essential qualities they want to find in their future spouse. When they have found these two essential qualities, they will be able to marry. After the wedding, the Chosson and Kallah will discover even more compatible details than expected."
Singles ! This Torah’s teaching is very actual. Be a starter with a true will to build!
When I read some profiles, or listen to some singles, I am very surprised of the amount of requests. How much can a single request? And in the beginning of the list of the single's own qualities, it says 'open-minded.'
When a single was a little choosy, my mother used to tell him with love and patience: "Go to the mirror, look at you and come back to me."
Why ask for so much? Why not allow the Divine Providence to come in?
Atarah Guez can be reached at atarahguez@kerenrachel.org.
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